sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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