Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
