I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
