How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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