Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
