Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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