The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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