i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
