i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
