So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
