Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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