I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
