my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So much rum. So many feels.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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