Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
