Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
