smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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