i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
