gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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