Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
