were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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