i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
