i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
