If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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