I am spending my child support on dildos
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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