I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
