my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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