this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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