Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
