im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Couch. On fire.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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