If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
