i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
