Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
