i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
