My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
