did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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