hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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