Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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