I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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