I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize