You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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