He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
