I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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