Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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