The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
