I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
