last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
