I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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