Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I just sharted jello shots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
