oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
