my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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