The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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