I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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