I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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