Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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