Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
