i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Boobs are out for the taking
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
