my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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