he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
